Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
