A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
