Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
