I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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