Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Did I show you my penis last night?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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