I met the friendliest cop last night
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
