Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
