Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
