please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
