Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
