he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Randomize
