i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
