we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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