She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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