Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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