dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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