Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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