i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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