He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
