I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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