i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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