You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
