youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
my shit smells like andre
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
