you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
