There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
