You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
