I'm jealous of your bromance
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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