i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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