i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
