I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
