i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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