Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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