I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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