Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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