So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We don't watch enough power rangers
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
