Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
