What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Randomize
