Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
