I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
