I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
