The maid of honor just puked.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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