She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
