Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
