I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
