So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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