I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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