I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
