How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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