Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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