I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
